Ok, so I’m not actually fighting the black death — though a week of night shivers, day sweats, blinding watery eyes, an unshakable fever and a throat that feels like a victim of arson is starting to feel like medieval torture.
As fun as it’s been drooling on myself in bed while watching the entire new fall television line-up (Whitney: literally unwatchable, Two Broke Girls: not funny even a little bit, Up All Night: cute. New Girl: also cute but would be better without Zooey Deschanel’s voice, Pan Am: intriguing), one look in the mirror after a week of illness is enough to scare one senseless. Because lets be honest, no one has time to groom when they’re trying not to choke on their eucalyptus tea.
So last evening, during a brief respite from my feelings of decay, I decided to poke around my bathroom in hopes of creating an at-home spa that could boost my spirits and make me want to look in the mirror once again.
This is what I found before the Nyquil kicked in.

1. Colgate Optic White toothpaste: I was hoping to find my trusty whitening strips. Instead, I found my toothpaste. I started using this new Colgate paste a few weeks back and have definitely noticed that my pearly whites have been looking a bit brighter. As they should — this stuff boasts the same ingredient found in Colgate’s strips. And yes, I did indeed just pat myself on the back for brushing my teeth. $3.79, drugstore.com

2. Joico K-Pak Revitaluxe Bio-Advanced Restorative Conditioning Treatment: Four days of leaving your hair in a high, unbrushed bun while you writher in agony and shuffle from the fridge to the bed tends to create a, uh, problem. Since I didn’t quite feel like shaving my head last night, I decided to leave Joico’s newest moisturizing treatment on my dry, tangled locks until standing in the shower made me nauseous, instead. And voila, the rats nest is gone. $20.45, amazon.com.

3. Arcona Instant Lift Kit: Somewhere along my travels, I seem to have acquired an anti-aging skin care kit from Arcona, a sleek Santa Monica spa that uses holistic methods. Since I turned 27 ten days ago, I figure it’s time for me to start paying attention to all the wrinkles beauty magazines tell me I surely have. So I mixed together Arcona’s powdery mask with their tightening serum, brushed it on my face and let it harden. Unfortunately I passed out before removing it and woke up gasping for breath as it hardened around my mouth, which I’ve been relying on to breathe during my illness. But I must say, my face doesn’t look nearly as miserable as it did yesterday. So that’s good. $45, arcona.com.

4. RGB nail polish in Vert: Deep forest green, which just happens to be one of my favorite coloes in existence, seems to be a go-to nail shade for fall. However when combined with ghastly flu-hued skin it creates something that resembles the living dead. But thankfully, I will have “in” nails when my fever breaks. $16, rgbcosmetics.com.

5. Kiehl’s Baby Lip Balm: Good thing this lip staple — which I once kept multiple tubes of in multiple purses, just in case — resurfaced during last night’s bathroom pillage. Because clearly I’ll be doing a lot of making out this weekend (with my dread locks and my contagious germs and all), and it will come in handy. $8, kiehls.com
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