For its latest issue, the gents (and gals) at VMan turned to Gagosian Gallery-darling Richard Phillips to create a “Most Wanted” series of precious portraits starring all your favorite teen heartthrobs. And witty captions abound. Here are the top three:

Every time Justin Timberlake sings in falsetto, a puppy gets castrated. Bob Barker approves.

Whenever you see a rainbow in the sky, you can rest assureD knowing that Robert Pattinson just had an orgasm.

And on the seventh day, the Mattel factory burned to the ground and Chace Crawford rose from the ashes like the most perfect Ken Doll gleaming in the sun.